The bathroom wall and other writings
by Angelwings2005
Summary: another drabble collection thought up during work at walmart. And yes. There will be a drabble about that. rated for language.
1. The bathroom wall

The bathroom Wall

Disclaimer: I own a big stick.

"Dammit! You bastard!" ed yelled as he ran into the restroom at Central. Cornel Mustang decided to spike his lunch with Laxatives as revenge for sending him a little pink dress. Slamming the stall door shut, he sat down and did his business. The way it acted, he wasn't getting up anytime soon. He took the liberty of reading the writing inside the stall at that point.

_Mustang suxs_

_Roy hearts Edward E._

_Roy Mustang is the gayest officer _

_I Love Elysia!_

_Dammit Hughes! Don't we get enough of that outside the shitter!_

_Watch your language Mustang!_

_Riza is hott_

_Mustang's a pig fer._

Ed's jaw dropped as he kept reading the numorus insults of Mustang and how hot Riza hawkeye was. After the laxitives had worn off, he went to the Cornel's office, "Damn everyone here must hate you. "That's the men's room. Try going in the girl's room." "They hate you more?" "No, it talks about hot and sexy I am." "You really are the talk of the military though." "Yeah. At least no one has said I'm an animal lover or something." Ed walked over and whispered the Pig line from the bathroom into his ear before a fireball flew from his hand to incinerate the door.


	2. The office party

Office party

Disclaimer: blah blah blah

Ed walked up to the door of Central HQ only to see a sign posted _Military personnel only today!_ Ed opened the door and walked in with Al. Havoc met them at the door, "Hey there Ed! Welcome to the annual Central Christmas office party! Get Mustang drunk enough and he'll do anything!" Ed grinned and pulled out his trusty camera, "this will go down as the day I get good blackmail material on that bastard!" "But brother..." "Don't stop me Al," Ed grinned as he walked in and sat at the table Mustang was at, "Hey Cornel, just start drinking here?" "Yeah. This stuff is good. Try it," He shoved a cup of it in front of Ed. "You know I can't drink yet." "Yeah cuz you're a shrimp!" Ed started his rant, "Who you calling so small he'd get lost if a fat man sat down next to him!" Roy giggle as he downed another ten cups and hiccuped, "Hey mustang, Riza's flirting with you." Roy got up and walked over to her, "Hey baby, wassup?" He grinned as he rubbed her butt. Problem was, he wasn't talking with Riza. It was Havoc. Ed took a quick picture and before anyone knew it havoc was beating the life out of Mustang, "You freaking gay pervert! How dare you violate me like that!" Ed was rolling on the floor doubled over in laughter. As he made Mustang to do even stupider stuff before passing out after singing I'm a little teapot with a lampshade on his head, Ed finished up the film on his camera. "Tomorrow is gonna be a good day Al," Ed grinned and laughed evilly as they left for the night. They were going to come to these parties more often, although Al didn't like the "how many cats can Al hide" game.


	3. Ed's experiment

Ed's Experiment

Disclaimer: Don't do drugs.

Ed walked into an alley in east city hearing a guy call him. "Hey kid, wanna try some magic seed?" "Magic seed?" "Yeah it'll make all your dreams come true." "It will?" "Yeah. You want some?" "Yeah sure!" The man shoved a lit joint into ed's mouth. After Ed had smoked the whole thing, he staggered out of the alley and back to HQ. He walked in and spoke with slurred speech, "Announcing the arrival of King Niblit the third! Kerplunk kerplunk whoops where's my thribble!" He proceeded to make his way to Mustang's office. He stormed in, "I'd like to tell you what I really think of you Jackass!" "Ed, are you ok?" " I think you are an arrogant, selfish bastard and the biggest wienerhead I've ever met. But I am so turned on by you! I love you to death!" "Ed, did you smoke the magic seed?" "Yeah." Mustang proceeded to pick ed up and take him to his home to sober him up. Hell was gonna break loose the next morning with the hangover Ed would have.

A/n: sorry, I wanted to make it longer, but I would have died laughing if I continued.


	4. Walmart

Wal-mart

Disclaimer: Such is the crack of the Wal-mart coughslavecough Associate.

Ed looked up at the bright lights before him as Roy walked towards the building in the darkness. Al stood besides him and stared as well. "Brother, what is this place?" "I don't know, but it looks like a grocery store called 'Wal-mart Supercenter.' "I wonder why Mustang insisted on bringing us with him." "Simple. I need you to help me push my carts back to my car when I'm done," Roy interjected. "You evil bastard." "Now now Ed, don't cry. You'll get a sticker for helping me," He grinned at the irritated teen. "WHAT THE HELL'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" "When you go in, the man will give you a smiley sticker for coming in to help me out." Ed walked in with Mustang and an old guy named pete looked at them, "ah hello today Mr. Mustang. Who's this young whippersnapper?" "This is Ed. He volunteered to help me with my groceries." "Ah, yes, He should get a sticker," Pete said and put a sticker on Ed's Forehead as he mumbles how he was gonna kill the cornel when he got outside. Roy grinned Evily, "Well, we best get started. I've got a lot to get." "You enjoy yourself Mr. Mustang," Pete smiled as the trio walked off. "Ed don't get lost in such a big store now," Mustang said as he grabbed a cart and walked off with a fuming Ed and Al walked behind them. Roy picked up his usual list of supplies- Band-aids for the gunshot wounds, boxers for him to leave lying around after bringing a woman, or more usually, Ed home and taking them to bed, and protection, because he knew he needed it. As he walked over by Ed who had gone off to the book area, the boy was deeply involved in reading a book on alchemic theories when he was interrupted by Al, who was carrying a kitten, "Brother! Look! They have kittens!" ed looked at Al as he help the kitten and back at the book, "No." "But why not?" "Because we can't take care of it." "But winry could!" "No Al. That's my final answer! Now go put it back." Al cried as he walked away with the kitten. He walked over to the blond, "Now, Ed, you know your brother wants a kitten. Why don't you let him have one?" "I'm doing it for the kitten's sake y'know." "Whatever. You can explain tonight." "Whatever." Ed put the book up and walked into the food section with Mustang. As he loaded his cart up with the essentials, He grabbed a few items he didn't usually see like whipped cream and bananas. _Since when does that Bastard eat that stuff?_ After Mustang had done his damage he walked over to a checkout line and looked at the young lady behind the counter, "well, hello there," He said very sexy-ish and looked at her name tag, "Miss Alison." "Hello there Cornel Mustang. Enjoy yourself today?" Ed rolled his eyes as Roy and the cashier talked and flirted until she hit the magic button that would drive him off like it always did. The total button. "And your total comes to $498.25." "What the hell did you buy?" Ed asked looking at mustang as He sat there with three full carts. H groaned and paid up as he pushed his stuff out to the car with Ed and Al helping. Once outside, Ed looked at him, "Y'know, Ill have to come shopping here more often with you," Ed grinned as Mustang rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to hear the end of this.


	5. Big gay Roy

Super! Thanks for asking!

Disclaimer: Nothing in here is mine. This is a crack fic inspired by SesshOTR's "Big gay Roy feels Super!" video so guess the song in here. It actually hurt to write this. Flames will be used to burn the costumes from this fic.

Mustang walked into the Fuhrer's office with his band of toties and looked at him, "Um Fuhrer sir, I'd like to say Happy whatever to you with this special Song just for you." "Well, this is quite a surprise Mustang. Now wow me with your song."

_The night before at the bar_

Ed looked at Roy as they watched the horses race. Ed was cheering for Old huck, and Roy had his hopes on Wangdoom. They had made a bet with each other before hand, and once it was done, no turning back. As the two horses kept switching places, both were on the edge of their seats. Roy had said if he won, Ed would have to wear a miniskirt in the office for a week. But Ed's was much more sinister.

_Back to present time_

Roy sat down on the Fuhrer's desk after taking off his coat to reveal a skimpier military outfit and he started singing with Riza playing Piano.

"_Bombs are flying, People are dying. Children are crying, Politicians are lying too. Concer is killing, and Texaco's spilling. The Whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?" _He batted his eyes at the Fuhrer before a big musical stange seemed to appear in the office and Roy jumped on it and started singing to the music.

"_I'm Super! Thanks for asking! All things considered I couldn't be better, I must say! I'm feeling super! No, nothing bugs me! Everything is super when you, Don't you think I look cute in this hat?" _By now a crowd was in the room watching Mustang embarrass himself

He skipped to a crippled worker_, "I'm so sorry, Mr. Cripple, but I just can't fell to bad for you right now! Because I'm feeling so insanely super that even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down!"_ He jumped back onto the stage where his toties began to sing a chourus behind him_, "He's super! Thanks for Asking! All things considered he couldn't be better he must say!" _Mustang Joined in again_, "I'm SUPER! No nothing bugs me! Everything is super when you, don't you think I look cute in this hat, these little pants, this matching tie they got at Barb's! I'm Super!" _The background kicked in, with more singing about how cool it was to be and during the last boast Roy joined in_, "When your GAY!"_

With that a giant picture of him kissing Jean popped up.

After reviving Bradly and others from the shock of the show, he looked at Mustang, "Lost another bet?"


End file.
